TMI

Did you ever read something and as soon as you finished it wished you hadn't? I did, yesterday. I was at work when our computer consultant showed up to do a few things on my computer. Since pretty much everything I had to do required the use of my computer, I found myself with a few free minutes. To fill the time I picked up the issue of the Wall Street Journal that sits on the corner of my desk. Every day at work we get the WSJ and our local paper. While I glance through the local paper from time to time, I seldom look past the front page of the WSJ. For some reason yesterday I flipped through the sections of the paper, scanning the first page of each section - first section A, then B, section C, then D. On the front page of section D, which is the health section, I spotted an article entitled "Doctors Search for Ways to Improve Detection of Dangerous Brain Aneurysms". Since my Mom had surgery to repair two brain aneurysms in 1991 this article piqued my curiosity.

I read the article...then wished I hadn't. I'm not a hypochondriac, really I'm not, but reading the line "evidence is mounting that brain aneurysms are genetic" sent a shiver up my spine. The fact that my Mom had two brain aneurysms repaired before they ruptured is only part of our family history. She also had a nephew who had a brain aneurysm that ruptured, and her father died (before I was born) of a stroke, which could have been caused by a ruptured aneurysm. Clearly this theory that brain aneurysms might be genetic is not a new one. At the time of my Mom's surgery her doctor suggested that all of her children have an MRI around the age of 40 to rule out the possibility that any of us have aneurysms. I knew this, but somehow seeing it in the paper made it more real.

My greatest fear, aside from something happening to one of my children, is that something will happen to me. I can't imagine leaving my children without a mother, just the thought of it brings me to tears. This information alone is enough to feed my fear, but the flames are further fanned by the fact that peripheral vision deficits can be one sign of an unruptured aneurysm, and when I had my last eye exam this past December I failed that test the first time I took it. Of course, I passed it the second time, but still....

I wish I could go back to yesterday morning and choose to do something other than pick up the WSJ. Since I believe that everything happens for a reason, I'm having a hard time dismissing the fact that I picked up a paper that I never read and found this particular article. On the other hand, I'm also having a hard time envisioning myself calling my doctor and asking her to sign off on a thousand (or more) dollars worth of testing for no apparent reason. I'm sure I'm perfectly healthy, I have no real reason to believe otherwise, I'm just a victim of too much information.